Jacob made me cry today. Or rather, Jacob’s teacher made me cry today.
Today was parent orientation at Jacob’s preschool. It starts with the orientation in the morning and ends with story time.
Last year, I was able to attend the orientation and story time because I was on maternity leave. This year, I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it to the orientation but wanted to try to make it to story time.
I failed. I had to pick up the baby after work and got there 5 minutes before it was over.
I entered the class and saw parents sitting with their child on the rug. Then I saw Jacob sitting quietly by himself, listening to the story. He saw me and I saw his eyes light up. He ran up to me and said, “Umma! Where were you? I was looking all over for you. I was so sad you weren’t here and I was all alone.”
My son is a little dramatic………I know. But it still BROKE my heart.
Me: “Jacob, I tried to get here as fast as I could. I am SO sorry I couldn’t come sooner.”
Jacob: “That’s ok, umma. Hiiiiiii Ame-GIRL!!”
Ok, how cute is that? Just like that….forgiven. (probably not forgotten)
Almost made me cry.
Then as we were leaving, the teacher passed out some artwork and said to me, “Jacob is the best helper. He’s always helping me and the other kids. He could seriously be the class leader every.single.day.”
I said a quick “thank you” and raced out the door before the tears started pouring out.
At that moment, I felt something I had never felt before. You see, this was the first time that a teacher has ever said anything nice about Jacob. EVER.
I immediately thought, “Did she confuse my son with someone else?”
I know. You’re probably thinking, “What kind of crappy mom thinks that??”
Well, you see…..my son is crazy. He is so active, hyper, and hard-headed. We had such a hard time with him. When we drop him off at school or at church, Paul and I always have to warn Jacob to be a good boy. And then when we pick him up, we’re always so nervous about what the teacher is going to say. Usually, it’s not good. “Jacob was really crazy today” or “Jacob wasn’t paying attention” is what we usually hear. Sigh.
And of course, Paul and I would have a pity party and blame ourselves.
You can’t help but blame yourselves as parents. I think I convince myself that I’m a bad mother at least 10 times a week.
I feel guilty for not being able to stay at home with my kids and entrusting them with others.
I’m a bad mother because Jacob never had consistent discipline.
I feel guilty for enjoying my work.
I’m a bad mother for feeling so tired after work and not spending enough quality time with my kids.
I’m a bad mother for not being able to attend all his events at school.
The list can go on and on. Even when others tell you that you’re a great mother and that you’re doing your best….it still stings.
Today was so……nice. Amazing what words can do.
I shouldn’t have to hear it from others in order to realize that my son is a good kid and that I’m lucky to be his mother. I know I’m lucky. I need to remember that instead of dwelling on all the negatives. I love my son. He may be super crazy and hyper but he’s also super sweet and sensitive. In this past year alone I’ve seen him mature into a young boy. He always shares his toys and plays with his sister. He endures tired parents and a crazy little sister. He’s so thoughtful when it comes to our family. Jacob and Ame have this connection that leave Paul and I flabbergasted. They both “get” each other and have a connection that only siblings can have. Just seeing them play together cracks me up because of how well they understand each other.
I never ask them to hold hands. Ame always extends her hand to him and Jacob always takes it.
Sharing the little crab pool
On the first day of summer school
My favorite instagram pic of the two
I hope these two kiddos know that although I might not be there 24/7……I love them, I love them, I love them.